The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. “What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.

“It’s my direct line to the Lord.” The Rabbi is sceptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, “Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.” The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says, “All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira” ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi’s chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50″ ($0.42).

The Pope looks surprised, “Why so cheap?”

The Rabbi smiles, “Local call.”

Of course the problem with St. George is that we have to share him with a number of countries around the world all of whom seem to celebrate much better than we. I remember joining in the celebrations in Catalonia a few years back. There was lots of singing, dancing and present giving; somehow I can’t see the English doing that. So how about someone more in keeping with the English temperament?

Why not bring back Edmund? Unlike many medieval saints, St Edmund was a real person but not too much is known factually about him. What we do know is that he was a king who ruled the Anglo Saxon realm of East Anglia between 855AD and 869 AD. He was then captured and tied to an oak tree. Captured by the Danes, legend tells us that on refusing to renounce his faith he was put to death by a volley of arrows  His head was then cut off and thrown into the woods. It was then allegedly whisked away by a wolf. Later as his followers were searching for his remains they heard a cry of “here, here, here” and traced the voice to the wolf who was protecting the severed head. On reuniting the head with its body the two are said to have miraculously joined together leaving only a faint red mark…the sign of a true saint. Edmund remained Patron Saint of England well into the Norman Conquest until he was replace by the upstart George.

St Geroge Flag at Ipswich Town FC

Two good thing could come out of the change:  Bury St Edmunds Tourist Board could introduce the St. Edmund Tour which would do wonders for the County of Suffolk and ailing flag makers would be given a new lease of life as millions of new flags would have to be produced.

Oh, and the BNP would have somebody to look up to that is actually English – but shush – don’t tell them George may well have been an Arab; I would hate to disappoint them.

But I suppose there are some negatives introduced by the change.  Hundreds of Mummers would be out of work and there would be the real danger of a population explosion in dragons.

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders.

Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, where are you  thinking of sending the child to school?”

If St.Peter had been an Headteacher

A man goes to heaven and is met by Saint Peter. Peter informs him that there is a points system.

“Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven.You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.” “One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says. “TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“That’s right!, Now you have got it!” said St. Peter.