So here goes:- 

A Theory of Creation

God created the mule, and told him, “You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.” 

The mule answered, “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.” And it was so. 

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.”

And the dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.” And it was so. 

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.” 

And the monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.” And it was so. 

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.” 

And the man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.” And it was so. 

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. “What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.

“It’s my direct line to the Lord.” The Rabbi is sceptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, “Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.” The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says, “All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira” ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi’s chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50″ ($0.42).

The Pope looks surprised, “Why so cheap?”

The Rabbi smiles, “Local call.”

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders.

Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, where are you  thinking of sending the child to school?”

If St.Peter had been an Headteacher

A man goes to heaven and is met by Saint Peter. Peter informs him that there is a points system.

“Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven.You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.” “One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says. “TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“That’s right!, Now you have got it!” said St. Peter.